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NARCISSISTS, SEX and FIDELITY
by, Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
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Question:
Are Narcissists mostly hyperactive or hypoactive sexually and to what extent are they likely to be infidel in marriage?
Answer:
Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists loosely
corresponding to the two categories mentioned in the question. Sex for the narcissist is an instrument designed to increase the number of
Sources of Narcissistic Supply. If it happens to be the most efficient
weapon in then narcissist's arsenal - he will make profligate use of it.
In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration,
approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g.,
intellectually) - he resorts to sex. He then become a satyr (or a
nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be
objects not of desire - but of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the
processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the
narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic "fix". The narcissist
is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual
exploits as a form of art. He is very likely to expose this side of
him - in great detail - to others, to an audience, expecting to win
their approval and admiration. Because the Narcissistic Supply in his
case resides in the act of
conquest and (what he perceives to be) subordination - the narcissist is
forced to move on and to switch and bewitch partners very often. The first sexual encounter with a partner always includes these elements -
not so the second or third encounters.
Some narcissists prefer "complicated" situations. If men - they prefer
virgins, married women, avowed maidens, etc. The More "difficult" the target - the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome. Such a narcissist
may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between
him and his spouse. He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he
is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a
clear separation exists between the honest "woman of his life" (really, a saint) and the whores
that he is having sex with. He tends to cast the whole feminine
sub-species in a bad light (with the exception of the meaningful women in his life). His behaviour will, thus, have achieved a dual purpose:
the securing of Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand - and bringing about a replay of old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment and
the Oedipal conflict, to mention but two). When inevitably abandoned by his spouse - the narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt. This is the
sort of crisis, which might drive him to psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he feels compelled to
continue to pursue precisely the same path. His abandonment is
cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and suicidal
ideation - the narcissist is likely to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next
round of hunting.
But there is another type of narcissist. He also has bouts of sexual
hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard
them as objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behaviour. It appears mainly after major narcissistic traumas and crises. A painful
divorce, a major personal financial upheaval - and this type of
narcissist adopts the view that the "old solutions" do not work anymore.
He frantically gropes and searches for new ways to attract attention, to
restore his False Ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure the subsistencelevel of Narcissistic Supply. Sex is handy and is a great source of the
right kind of supply: immediate,
interchangeable, comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the narcissist's being), natural, highly charged, adventurous,
pleasurable.Thus, following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is
likely to be deeply involved in sexual activities - very frequently and
almost to the exclusion of other matters.
However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic wounds heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance is
restored - the second type of narcissist reveals his true colours. He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The
frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times a day -
to a few times a year.
He prefers intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, volunteering -
anything but sex. This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with
the opposite sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or
commitment that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter. In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually -
but also emotionally. If married - he loses all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He confines himself to his world and makes
sure that he is sufficiently busy to preclude any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly dearest). He becomes completely immersed in "big
projects", lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause - all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and time consuming. He then
regards sex as an obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance operation needed to preserve the comfortable human cell that he has constructed
(his family or household). He does not enjoy sex and by far prefers the auto-erotic variety - to masturbate - or object sex, like going to
prostitutes. Actually, he uses his mate or spouse as an "alibi", a shield against the attention of other women, an insurance policy which
preserves his virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with other
women. Even while ignoring women around him (a form of aggression) he can feel righteous in saying: "I am loyal to my wife". At the same time,
he feels hostility towards her for ostensibly preventing him from freely
expressing himself sexually with others, for isolating him from carnal pleasures.
The thwarted logic goes like this: "I am married/attached to this woman.
Therefore, I am not allowed to be in anykind of touch with other women, which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike. This is
why Irefrain from having anything to do with women - because I am loyal,
as opposed to most other immoral men.However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can engage in sex and romance as
much asthey want to - while I am confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I willpunish her by
abstaining from having sex with her." He minimises all types of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings,
very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself
to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially. This way he insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that
he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts.
Finally, he really is left alone by everyone, with no secondary sources of supply. In his search for them, he again embarks on ego-mending
bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a
sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional remoteness and cruel detachment
leading to abandonment.
The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse.
He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and
non-sexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the latter
phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore,
not compelled to "cheat" upon his mate, betray her, or violate the
marital vows. He is much more interested in preventing a worrisome
dwindling of the Narcissistic Supply that really matters. Sex, he says
to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better.
I am often asked whether narcissists are some variant of exhibitionists.
Somatic Narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag ingraphic details about their conquests and exploits. In extreme cases,
they might introduce "live witnesses" and revert to total, classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to "objectify" their
sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in auto-erotic sex. The exhibitionist seeshimself reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This constitutes the
main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside "look" is
also what defines the narcissist. There is bound to be a connection.
One (the exhibitionist) may be the culmination, the "pure case" of the
other (the narcissist).
Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
and the editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and searcheurope.com.
His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com
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