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Make a Place for Your Illness and Put It in Its Place!
by, Pauline Salvucci, M.A.
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"A place for everything, and everything in its place." That may be a fine idea if you're eyeing the
clutter on the living room floor, or a pile or two of old magazines and catalogues collecting dust in
a corner. But what has it got to do with coping with illness? Plenty.
Illness is never a welcomed guest in anyone's life. However, when it becomes a visitor in yours, in
many cases, it's there to stay. How you cope with it will determine, in great part, how well you live
your life. Of the three primary factors that measure your ability to cope: your attitude, the social
context of your life, and the quality of the resources available to you, your attitude becomes the
foundation upon which the others build.
Making a place in your life for illness may sound like a strange thing to do, but it's necessary if
you want to learn how to cope with your disease and put it in its place. Here are some suggestions
to help you:
Acceptance and Denial are Normal Responses
Acceptance and denial are normal responses to any major change, let alone a chronic illness.
When you begin to accept having an illness, you open yourself to interact with it. This helps you
make a place for illness in your life. Some forms of illness limit you and contribute to your feeling
different from other people. The thing that makes you different from others is what disease does to
your body and how it can affect your emotions. Adjusting to this can be tough enough, don1t
make it tougher by loosing you1re sense of self, your integrity, and, most of all, your sense of
humor. Accepting yourself as a person living with an illness is a process. It doesn't happen all at
once. Don't be harsh on yourself when you fluctuate between accepting your disease and denying
it. Acceptance isn't something you do once and for all. It1s a process. Little by little as you accept
your illness, you will make room for it in your life.
Adapting Takes Time and Patience
Like an onion, you peel off one layer of change at a time. The changes you are faced with
challenge your ability to adapt. You may have to let go of, or even say goodbye to some activities
in your life, either for a time, or perhaps permanently. Grieve this loss. Create a ritual to say
goodbye to what is no longer possible for you to do, but don't deny those parts of your life which
you enjoyed and which were important to you. They are a real part of your history and
deserve your respect. Some of your life may be different than it was before, but don't treat your
past and the things you enjoyed as if they never existed. As you make the changes that your illness
requires, you can become more flexible and creative in adapting to change. Keep a journal of the
changes you've already made and how you made them. This can serve as a reminder and as a
guide for making others as well. As you develop a greater degree of flexibility in adapting to
change, the easier change becomes. Above all, don1t lose heart!
Befriend Illness as Part of Your Life
You already know how illness affects your body. Now get to know your relationship with it. If
you consider your disease an enemy to be crushed, or an unwelcome guest you refuse to tolerate,
how will you allow your illness to be what it is, a part of your life you can learn to befriend? Do
you remember what Lincoln said about a house being divided against itself unable to stand? If
you're divided against yourself by refusing to get to know this illness, or by waging war against it,
how can you befriend it? Consider giving your illness a name‹talk with it‹write a letter. Speak or
write from your heart. Include everything you think and feel about your uninvited guest. Don't
keep your thoughts running around in your mind creating havoc. Then, listen to what your illness
says to you in return. If you find this difficult to do, don't be discouraged. It is difficult, but there
are rewards. An uneasy alliance is better than none at all.
Feel Like You're Losing Yourself?
Do you feel as if your blue moods are turning into dark depression? Do you do less for yourself
on the days when you could be doing more? Do you isolate yourself from your loved ones and
friends? If over a period of time, you experience these feelings on a regular basis and can't shake
them, don't hesitate to find professional help. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist whose
specialty is working with people with chronic illness. These therapists can help you to make your
way through difficult times. Yes, it's important to talk with your friends and family, but talking with
a professional can be very freeing. They are available to help you sort out your experiences and
the many feelings and thoughts you have about yourself and your illness. This isn't the time to
"tough it out", or attempt to dismiss your feelings with a mind over matter mentality. Allow yourself
to get whatever help you need. It can make a real difference in your life.
Too Much Illness Talk?
Do you feel that talking about illness is taking more of your time and energy than you would like it
to? Is it wearing on your family and friends? That can happen, especially when you're first learning
about your illness. If it becomes a habit and you begin to lose perspective, here's a way to regain
your balance. Create "talk space". Choose a comfortable place in a room in your home and make
time to talk about your disease with your partner and family. Let them know what you're feeling
and thinking. This is a time for honest sharing, for you and for your loved ones. Allow this "talk
space" to be the place and time where you discuss your illness. Keep the rest of your home an
"illness free talk zone". This will allow you and your family to enjoy one another's company and
conversation without reverting to the topic of illness.
Seeing With New Eyes Doesn't Mean
Looking Through Rose Colored Glasses
When it comes to putting illness in its place, you might try seeing with new eyes. When it takes
you more time to do just about everything, when simple tasks frustrate you because they're not so
simple to do anymore, when the familiar becomes foreign, when you can not do the many things
you once loved doing, maybe seeing with new eyes can help. If you were an artist and can no
longer paint, you can still go to museums or art galleries. If you can't do that, you can enjoy art on
the Internet and in books. If you worked with your hands and can no longer use tools to do a job
or hobby, teach someone else to do what you know how to do. Share your knowledge and lend
your expertise. If you loved nature and the outdoors, but can no longer hike, drive along scenic
roadways and enjoy the beauty and majesty of nature. Find a way to keep what you have been
passionate about in life. It takes time, work, patience, spirit and heart to make a place for illness in
your life. Seeing with new eyes is a tribute to your courage and your ability
to make a place for your illness and put illness in its place.
© Copyright 2000 by Pauline Salvucci All rights reserved. This article may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by an information storage
and retrieval system, without the express permission of the author.
Pauline Salvucci, M.A., is a personal coach and President of Self Care Connection, LLC. A
former medical family therapist, Pauline's specialty is coaching men and women at
mid-life‹particularly those living with chronic health conditions and family caregivers who are
"sandwiched" between their families and their aging parents. She is the author and publisher of the
Self-Care Now! booklet series. Visit her Web site at: http://www.SelfCareConnection.com
E-mail: Pauline@SelfCareConnection.com
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