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CHILD ABUSE OR DISCIPLINE:
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
by, Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE
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NEWS FLASH: DEADLY EPIDEMIC GRIPS DAYTON. DOZENS OF CHILDREN DEAD, THOUSANDS OF
UNSUSPECTING FAMILIES INFECTED.
What is this disease? It's not a disease of the body, but sometimes it causes physical and emotional scars. It's not a disease
of the brain, but people's thoughts and beliefs can cause it to develop. The disease is child abuse. The cause is the use of
punishment, instead of discipline, and many "normal, average" families have early warning symptoms. While all abuse uses
punishment, not all punishment is abusive. This does not mean "mild" punishment works or is okay, because all punishment is
based on the belief that children must suffer, somehow, to "learn their lesson."
The symptoms are most obvious in people who have personal power and control issues and those who don't set limits enough
and think the opposite reaction, punishment, will balance their style. (True balance is between these two extremes, flexibility
within firm limits.) Anyone can be a "carrier" of this punishment "disease," even if they are not abusive themselves. Carriers can
be parents or even professionals who give unhealthy advice to parents. To recognize a "carrier," look for the following
comments: "Show them who's boss." "You should make kids feel bad when they misbehave." "Make sure the punishment is
unpleasant." "What they need is a good spanking." "Stand them in a corner until a timer goes off." "Take away their favorite
activity." "Do it because I said so, don't ask why." "That will teach them." In truth, punishment doesn't teach, it just hurts.
Anytime someone imposes suffering, it makes learning more difficult and builds resentment toward the person causing the
suffering.
All punishment can cause physical or emotional harm. The damage might not be visible, like bruises, but the emotional scars
can last a lifetime. Punishment can involve physical suffering, such as spanking, hitting, grabbing, squeezing, tweaking, dragging,
shoving, or slapping. It can also involve "power plays," lectures, and harmful words that blame, shame, warn, threaten, or
put-down. Punishment is unfair and usually lasts too long. Often, the parent uses the same punishment every time, whether it
relates to the misbehavior or not. When angry or hurt, parents use punishment as a weapon for revenge.
Punishment is like a silent addiction; because it often seems to work, parents get a "quick fix." Instead of wanting to behave
well, children only behave because they are afraid of what will happen to them if they don't! Over time, children become
immune to punishment. They might sneak and misbehave when the parent isn't looking. They get a you-can't-hurt-me attitude
and punishments must become harsher to "work." Children develop an I-don't-care attitude and can believe it's okay to "do the
crime" if they are willing to "pay the time." Most important, punishing parents are so busy controlling their children, children
don't learn self-control! Instead, they often take advantage of any power they have (with other children, a sibling, or when they
are a parent or spouse) to act out the anger and frustration they've been holding in. All abusive people have been punished or
abused by someone (not necessarily a parent). It is learned behavior. Fortunately, not all abused children grow up to be
abusive or punishing parents. They have a choice; they can "get the cure."
The cure: The cure for child abuse and harmful punishing habits involves everyone. We each (parents and professionals) need
to relearn the way we think and act when it comes to disciplining children. Replace unhealthy beliefs and actions with positive,
healthy ones. If we are honest with ourselves, each of us can probably find at least one punishing belief or action we use. Learn
healthy, effective discipline skills. There is a lot of inaccurate parenting advice floating around out there, so we need to "screen"
advice before we put it to use.
The cure for the punishment disease starts by understanding what discipline is -- and isn't. Discipline comes from the word
"disciple," which means "to follow one who teaches." This reminds us to ask ourselves, "What will this discipline teach my child
about controlling his or her own behavior?" Before or after misbehavior, the parent describes the behavior he or she wants to
see and explains how negative behavior affects other people or things. "You can either (positive behavior and its benefit) or
(negative behavior and its effect)." When children misbehave, the parent makes it clear that the discipline is a result of the
child's behavior choice, not the parent's power. Punishment says, "If you do (negative behavior), I'm going to do (punishment)
to you." This is a power play. On the other hand, discipline says, "If you choose to (negative behavior), I'll know you've
decided to (experience the negative consequence)."
While discipline involves teaching, it is not "all talk." When parents take action, it needs to be logically related to the
misbehavior, only last long enough to teach the lesson, and presented respectfully. Instead of making the child suffer, the focus
is on fixing the mistake or learning how to prevent it in the future. Children learn self-discipline, not blind obedience. Effective
discipline has its own language and actions. Most parents and professionals have good intentions, but could make a few
important changes in their words or actions. This will help them avoid the risks of punishment and reap all the benefits of
discipline.
Are you a carrier of this disease? Have you already been infected? Are you willing to be a part of the cure? If so, seek
immediate education at your local parenting class. Parenting classes are not just for abusive parents. They are especially for
parents who care about doing the best job they can in their most important job -- parenthood.
Originally published in the: EmployeeCare News; 4/96
Reprinted with permission of the author, Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE
For More Information, Contact:
Ambris Publishing (product orders)
Parent's Toolshop Consulting, Ltd. (speaker/program info.)
Toll-free: 1-877-748-4541
On-line: www.ParentsToolshop.com
E-mail: info@ParentsToolshop.com
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